How a good Dr.'s appointment brings hope...

Beloved and the world-renown staff at MHNI had a great appointment yesterday. An answer to prayer, they have given her (us) explanations and insight into their plan for her care as well as medications that bring more and more functionality to Beloved's day.

I am thankful for answered prayers of those that read this blog and have found myself praying more steadfastly against the enemy. God moves the mighty hosts against the enemy in this very real battle. The struggle is still great, but yesterday's tiny victory brings a glimmer of hope for continued progress.

A Blessing in Disguise

from the album "Gift Horse"

(Words and Music by Terry Taylor)
How often do we spot the angels?
Or feel the unseen hand?
Most times are tough, the going rough
Like there never was a master plan
Those steadfast doors won't open
And you pray...but you don't understand

(CHORUS)
Hold fast the hope that's in you
Don't always trust your eyes
Sometimes it takes a long time to see it as
A Blessing in Disguise

We live upon this dark surface
And God, He moves upon the deep
What is concealed will be revealed
There is no promise He won't keep
Still, we're confused by the shadows
We're awake, but we're half asleep

(REPEAT CHORUS)

Sometimes the dark can move our hearts
To long for the light of the Son
And our ways don't become His ways
Until we are undone

(REPEAT CHORUS)

And after you've been broken
You may not realize
That you are grace to the broken hearted
And a blessing in...
A blessing in...
You are a Blessing in Disguise

What Pain Can We Endure

...down through the centuries, men and women, boys and girls have been
forced to endure pain much worse than mine, as well as trials and
tribulation of unimaginable kinds. And even today, Christians are
accompanied by the enabling, strengthening Holy Spirit through
beatings, imprisonment and the threat of death.

Geoff Oswald, a guess contributor to Cross Haven Biblical counseling by proxy of his son Chris, relays his story of pain and coming to an understanding of how God would use his illness to draw Geoff to closer relationship with Jesus. You can read the entire post here.

What strikes me most was the quote above and its comparison of suffering in chronic pain to that of a martyr. I am curious to know what others think about this, as my own thoughts wander to Revelation 12.10-11:

And I heard a loud voice in heaven, saying, “Now the salvation and the
power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of his Christ have
come, for the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses
them day and night before our God.And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of
their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death."

Could it be that we are wrapped up inside a great cosmic battle between good and evil?!?! Could it be that how God allows us to wrestle with this Leviathan of faith in the face of pain be part of what the Almighty uses to defeat evil?!?!?

Metaphor for Beloved's Current State

credit: Sara Brideau

Three Absurd Cures and One that Brought Us to our Knees

If you are someone who suffers from chronic pain or one that cares for those who do, you probably have a list of things that you've tried. You may know about more drugs than the local pharmaceutical rep that brings lunch to your doctor on Tuesdays.

Beloved and I began cataloging the history of everything that we've tried to help ease her pain or solve the problem behind her pain nearly 10 years ago. Keeping a digital copy of it has made it quite easy to update and share with medical professionals.

After reading a Nov. 6, 2007 entry of Somebody Heal Me, "assuming you have the answer", I got to thinking about how many well-intentioned people have made off-hand recommendations for treatment. The author cautions:

I'm sure most of them had their hearts in the right place. But the reality is that finding a workable solution to managing migraines is a journey. A very personal one. Telling someone with a complicated medical condition to "just do x, y and z" is rarely, if ever, helpful. Most often it's downright insulting.

How many times have we heard, "You know, I have a friend who..."?!? God love 'em; they may authentically want to help or may not to have any extended conversation to find out what we've been through. The desire for a quick fixes are part of the flaw of human nature, I guess.

We've gotten to the point when making new friends, that we will wait an extraordinarily long time before sharing any part of Leviathan, but sometimes it's just difficult to find a godly response sometimes. Yet we consider every new idea, because we desperately want something to work on Earth, before t

I'm sure we've all (chronicly ill or not) been on the receiving end of "help" that's way out there...What kind of crazy solutions have people proposed for your ailments? Leave a comment below. In the mean time, I'll get things started:

1. Eat a steady diet of beet greens (the top of the beets) on your salad.
2. Excedrin-Migraine really is different.
3. Pitocin (that's right the stuff they use to induce labor)

and finally....

4..The detox of 3 "proven" herbs that brought us closer to God in several unintended ways.

Leave your comment below, please.

The Paradox In Courage

I've always heard that you must seek a balance; it's especially circulated and touted as truth in chronic pain circles. Balance your care with your freedom of living; balance your pain and pain relief; or balance your schedule with activity and downtime.

A few months ago, it occurred to me that maybe seeking balance is a most unnatural struggle, trying to find the center and stay in the center can be an exhausting, nearly impossible task. In the last month or so, I've been listening to G.K. Chesterton's Orthodoxy, a sort-of testimony/rebuttal on how an agnostic decided that the Christian faith is the answer to some of the perplexities he was wrestling with. In addition to it being a philosophically sound presentation, Chesterton illuminated and fortified the thought that "balance" is not necessarily a reasonable pursuit:

Paganism declared that virtue was in a balance; Christianity declared it was in a conflict: the collision of two passions apparently opposite. Of course they were not really inconsistent; but they were such that it was hard to hold simultaneously. Let us follow for a moment the clue of the martyr and the suicide; and take the case of courage. No quality has ever so much addled the brains and tangled the definitions of merely rational sages. Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die. "He that will lose his life, the same shall save it," is not a piece of mysticism for saints and heroes. It is a piece of everyday advice for sailors or mountaineers. It might be printed in an Alpine guide or a drill book. This paradox is the whole principle of courage; even of quite earthly or quite brutal courage. A man cut off by the sea may save his life if he will risk it on the precipice.

He can only get away from death by continually stepping within an inch of it. A soldier surrounded by enemies, if he is to cut his way out, needs to combine a strong desire for living with a strange carelessness about dying. He must not merely cling to life, for then he will be a coward, and will not escape. He must not merely wait for death, for then he will be a suicide, and will not escape. He must seek his life in a spirit of furious indifference to it; he must desire life like water and yet drink death like wine. (emphasis mine) Librivox and text

As I watch my Beloved struggle in her pain, a calm reassurance is often the result. Those dark days and nights of limited hope do not eliminate hope itself. Our desire is to have her live, yet the pain is a constant reminder of the life after this one and the perfected body that awaits. There is not a hint of balance, but a surrender to the tension between desiring life in this world and the life in the next.

So this conflict is often played out in her pain. We struggle to share that the conflict is actually pointing towards faith in Him who is greater than the pain.

Feeling Alone?

Psychology Today states:

Kids find people touched by luck more likable. We shun people who suffer disadvantages beyond their control...

Sergo, Peter. "With Friends Like These". Psychology Today. Sept/Oct: 15.

We are in the midst of a 5 day torture-fest. Beloved has been nearly unable to sleep, keep any liquids and food down, or manage the pain with any number of pain medications. We are 2 days away from having incredible health insurance provided for by the University.

It's kinda like Moses, standing on the mountain as the Israelites entered the Promised Land. Will we ever get there? In a sense...yes, but not in the way we had imagined. These hours are lonely even though we have friends and family who struggle to understand fully Beloved's plight.

Today, carried her to the bathroom, wiped her face and neck clean, and fed her with my hands so that she could eat just a little something.

Thank God for Dr. Keith; thank you for your prayers.